Know thyself

As I walked around the thrift store looking at all sorts of trinkets and unique crystal vases, wine glasses, and fun vintage figurines, a thought came to mind.

I need to know myself. My likes. Dislikes. What makes me angry. What I’m passionate about. What my purpose in life is. What I was born to do that is unique to me, to my DNA, to my make up.

I have just lived life and let life happen to me. I’ve gone from school to job, to job, to volunteer, to job to job to job… and Never really paused to think about what makes me come alive.

Sure, I’ve had dreams and goals that I’ve learned to put aside since I needed to focus on tangible needs- like getting a roof over my head and bread on the table.

Yet, I haven’t yet dug deep inside me to try and find the gems and treasures that give me clues into who I am. Into who He created me to be.

And an interesting thought came to mind. If I don’t know who I am, what my strengths and weaknesses are, then I might not recognize the amazing man God wants to match me up with when he comes around.

Do you know what I mean?

I mean, I’m sure the person He has for me to eventually marry and do life with will have a combination of strengths and weaknesses that complement me and I will have traits and will be built in such a way that I complement him.

But if I just go through life not taking the time to know myself, I could easily just keep wandering around smiling at every cute face I see and wonder if he’s ‘the one.’

And what a sad life to live and reach my death bed and not know why I was alive! Jesus didn’t die for that. He died so that I would have life abundantly! And I’m sure that means, life lived in such a full way that I drink deeply of everything He intended for me to have, and I live my life purpose out to the last drop! He is worthy of me doing that.

So I need to have a clear sense (or at least a journey towards, and some clarity) of who I am and what problem I was made to solve. What resources I need to solve such problem. What I’m happy doing and could spend time doing endlessly if left on my own.. then that can give me a glimpse into the qualities I’d value in a man I’d like to spend the rest of my life with.

For example, if I am passionate about serving others, volunteering, and at some point in my life I want to care for the orphans of the world in some way, or go into acting, or be a lawyer and travel the world, and I want to do all things at once, or in different stages of my life… but I meet a cute nice man who might EVEN love Jesus, but he hates traveling, wants to work as a backend engineer in some dark corner of the world and dislikes children… then that might not be such a good match for me… even if he loves Jesus with all his heart. Just a diff calling and a diff life. Some other woman will love him and be happily with him. But he might not be my prince charming.

And I’d know this because I would have clarity about who I am. If I had just continued living life and seeking desperately any remotely nice and christian man without considering my calling or other things, then I would’ve been in trouble…

So here’s my dilemma. And how I’m starting to understand God’s wisdom in keeping me single and unmarried up to this point.

I am just now beginning to grasp, truly grasp the importance of knowing who I am. And who God created me to be.

And the importance of having a man who also loves God with all his heart, mind and soul and knows his purpose on this earth.

You see, I am beginning to understand that marriage is really not about me. And this just dawned on me today. Like fresh, new revelation. Though I thought I ‘knew’ this truth, it hadn’t really sunk in before.

Now that it’s starting to sink in, I understand that God might have bigger plans than just making sure my emotional needs are met and I get hitched.

His word says: “For just as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts  higher than your thoughts. ”  I used to think that He was saying this as a way to bring glory to His name and show how great His ways and thoughts are and how lowly human thoughts are…

But just as I re read now, I was convicted that maybe He said this not as a thing for us to see that His ways are so high and unreachable and unattainable or His thoughts too high and up and mighty that we’ll not understand them and say, ‘so why even bother to understand Him?’ and throw our hands in the air.

…But what if instead He’s stating something that was a fact back then, but secretly longing and inviting us to elevate our ways and our thoughts to be at His level? And what if He was prophesying something that was true back in the day before Jesus came… but knowing that once Jesus came and Holy Spirit was given to us, we would also have the privilege of elevating our thoughts to His level?

What if in these words hidden, He’s saying raise up your sight, your thoughts, so that you think my thoughts… because now we have been given the mind of Christ, and if Christ has high thoughts and high ways, then surely we must also have those!

So in that, I can take my mind and start to comprehend that He is much more wiser than I give Him credit for.

Just as His ways are high, he is looking at the big picture. From a bird’s eye view. Seeing and planning from above what I hadn’t cared to see before, because I was like a chicken pecking on the ground and focusing on what was in front of me, without looking and and elevating my mind and thoughts and seeing things from His perspective. This perspective has always been available to me, but I never bothered to realize it. Until now. Where sometimes I get caught up in the small minded picture of wanting a man by my side and being sad when I don’t see him, He is looking at generations.

He’s looking at my desires. He’s helping me uncover my likes, dislikes, passions, destiny, so that I know who I am. So that I know who I need by my side. I’ll need more than just a well-meaning Christian man. I’ll need a man deeply in love with Jesus, because I am a woman who is also deeply in love with Jesus. So that together we make an amazing team who brings the Kingdom of God into areas we’re both mature and prepared for. So that we bring children into this world who love Him and are unstoppable with parents who love Jesus.

I need a man who will not only be good to me, but will compliment my likes, dislikes, strengths and weaknesses and be the support I need. And I also need to be ready to be the support he’ll need. If I want great, I need to be great.

I need someone who is more than a pretty face, a smart brain, a rich and successful man…. Though I don’t mind any of those things, of course! But I’ll need more than that! In addition to those things ( 😀 hahah don’t you love my sense of humor! ) I need more substance, and God already knows it.

Now it’s my turn to work with Him as he walks with me and helps me discover who He made me to be… As I live life, instead of passively waiting till ‘the one’ comes, I will live my life. I will uncover the treasures inside of me. I will roll up my sleeves, make mistakes that turn into valuable lessons, and I will uncover what He has deposited inside of me. And I know that as I do that, chances are ‘the one’ will already be doing that too, and doing that is the best way to run into each other.

I can’t expect to be sitting at home crying waiting for the man to knock on my door. He’ll most likely be busy out doing the Lord’s work and fulfilling his dreams. So if we merge in dreams, we’re more likely to find each other in that zone, as most likely his passion won’t be going around knocking on random doors trying to find me :P… that’d be kind of creepy…

Jesus, lead me on this journey of self-discovery. You created me. You know what I am made of. You know my current strengths, weaknesses, areas where I need to grow. You know the giftings you’ve given me. You know all the things you’ve already given me and all that is to come. Help me use this time that I’m single to know You more. To know myself more. To discover the secrets and gems you’ve placed inside of me. And help my husband do the same. Help him discover himself in you. Help him know his passions, destiny, grow in his strengths and help fill the void in his weaknesses. Help him grow with You in the areas he needs to be strong to be a good complement to me. And help me grow strong where I need to be a good complement to him. Let our thought life now be raised to be on the same level as yours, so that you can proudly say that my thoughts and his thoughts are as high as your thoughts and our ways as high as your ways. Because you are pleased when we do your will, and we can only do your will if we have access to your thoughts for us. I love you and thank you for your wisdom in not allowing me to marry before I have a clearer sense of who I am and what I need in my life from a husband. Thank you for protecting me, and thank you for protecting my husband to be. Thank you for blessing blessing him wherever he is, whatever he is doing. Thank you for prospering him in all he does, for giving him favor and opening all the right doors for him and shutting all the wrong doors. Help us not fall into the temptation of settling for a good enough person by our side, but to trust that in your right timing you will join our lives to continue this lifetime journey of discovering ourselves in You and falling more in love with you.  Let us both live lives worthy of You. I love you!