Want: an imperfect husband

I went on a mini retreat a few days ago.

I packed my bags, booked a room a few hours north of my home, took my car and hit the road.

It was amazing. Thrilling. Me and the open road and Jesus.

He set the whole thing up just for me. Perfect weather. Green rolling hills. Vineyards. Rivers. He knows the way to my heart and played every cord.

Somewhere between driving north and enjoying His creation, and my trip back home, it hit me. No one can ever fully fill the void inside my spirit that Jesus alone is meant to fill.

And I need to be ok with that.

All my life I’ve dreamt of prince charming coming and sweeping me off my feet. A perfect, fully-formed and ready and perfect off the box man. Ready to be my perfect husband who’d do no wrong.

He’d be strong, responsible, a Mr.Darcy or sorts and everything my heart could ever desire, and much more! He’d blow me away with his smartness, cuteness, gentleness, generosity, and everything else husbands are supposed to be. He’d cook for me, wouldn’t mind getting his hands dirty to clean the house when needed. He’d help me change our kids’ diapers. He’d have a perfect body. Perfect hair. Perfect hands and perfect nails (I kid you not!). We’d travel the world together and he’d be the perfect travel buddy.

He’d also fill every emotional need I could ever have. He’d be able to read my mind and know my deepest needs before I uttered a word. He’d apologize when wrong and would be super forgiving. He’d help me grow and support me in everything I needed from him.

He’d be the walking Jesus version of a human being. I couldn’t possibly have less. I was convinced Jesus loved me enough to give me this kind of man, and more.

And then it hit me. Only Jesus is fully perfect. Only Jesus is capable of knowing the deepest parts of me that I can’t express to others. Only Jesus, the One who created me and knows my deepest needs and desires can fulfill those. No one else will ever come close to that. And I’m starting to be ok with that.

If I flip it the other way, I know I could never be to any man all that I ask for in a man. I don’t want to.  Even if I wanted to fill my husband’s deepest desires, I can’t. It’s a heavy burden to carry. Only Jesus is worthy of carrying that burden and He alone is worthy to be all that my husband could ever want or need.

I’ll make mistakes. I’ll forget to load the dishwasher. I hate ironing. I don’t even own an iron or an ironing board! I hate mowing the lawn. I hate vacuuming. I hate taking out the trash on trash days, and I’m sooo looking forward to having someone else do it! I cook occasionally when I’m not too tired from work. So if my husband-to-be has a long list of who he’d want me to be, chances are I’m lacking in many things still. I’m not the perfect package and might never be it. And I need to be ok with it.

So now, rather than losing sleep over wanting a perfect guy. I am ok with an imperfect man who has his priorities straight and is teachable and patient with me as I also work on my imperfections.

So, future husband, if you’re out there reading this. You’re officially off the hook. I won’t expect perfection from you. I’ll expect you to have your priorities straight. Starting with loving Jesus with all you are and all you have and out of that love, loving others.

The rest we can work on.

..with that…. Dear Jesus, 

Please help me to continue to trust in You. To know that you alone can fill every need, every void, ever desire, all in all in my life… And that that’s how it should be. 

Help me to be patient with myself and with others as I recognize that you alone want to fill and be everything to me. And help me to let go of the trivial that I stress over, and to embrace my husband as the gift and work-in-progress that he is, for what I need in my journey with you (whenever you bring him into my life). Forgive me for the times I’ve placed him in the place that only belongs to you. And help me be the person, gift, and work-in-progress he needs alongside of him for the journey you have for him.  Let our union be pleasing to you, and you bring us together at the appropriate time. Help us be in the right time, at the right place, with the right people, doing the right thing. And let the three of us be much stronger together than we are apart. I love you. 

 

(And yes, for those of you wondering and thinking we’ve been made perfect in Christ, yes, I agree… in that sense I do want a perfect husband and we are alreay perfect in Christ. But in practicality when I say ‘perfect’ in a practical way, I mean someone who is still a work in progress and not someone who doesn’t make mistakes, as there is no such person on earth…)

 

Que si te extraño?

Claro que te extraño.

Cada dia. Despierto y lo primero que pienso es en ti.

 

Que si pudiera cambiar el tiempo?

Que si pudiera cambiar las circunstancias, las cambiaria?

Claro que las cambiaria.

 

Que si pienso en ti todo el dia? Claro que si.

 

Que si al ver tus fotos y tu sonrisa me hace querer tenerte cerca y poder abrazarte? Besarte?

Por supuesto.

 

Como poder olvidar tu sonrisa.

Como poder olvidar tu mirada tierna y tus labios dulces.

 

Como olvidarte? No lo se.

 

No se si aun piensas en mi, o si ya empiezas a olvidarme.

 

Yo he intentado encontrar otras personas que llenen el vacio que dejaste.

Amistades.

Familia.

Si, ellos son maravillosos y los necesito.

Pero no son tu.

No es lo mismo.

No es igual.

 

Que si te olvidare algun dia? Si el destino dice que no eres para mi, supongo que si…

…pero eso no me hace extrañarte un minuto menos en este momento, queriendo que estuvieras aqui conmigo, en lugar de estar a miles de kilometros de distancia…

 

Que si te extraño? Si. Si. Si. Mil veces si.

Two are better than 1

As I pondered this thought yesterday, I was amazed at the power or unity.

In Deuteronomy 32:30 it says: “How could one person chase a thousand of them, and two people put ten thousand to flight, unless their Rock had sold them, unless the LORD had given them up?”

This scripture made me stand in awe of God’s goodness and His design.

We were never meant to be an island unto ourselves. We’re relational. We’re meant to work together and solve problems together and accomplish greater things together than apart.

As I thought about this, I wondered and marveled at how our marriages are supposed to work. We will be living with someone. Sleeping with someone. Eating with someone. Talking to someone. Vacationing with that someone. Arguing and solving problems with that person. Trusting this someone. Loving this someone. Being vulnerable with this someone.

…In other words, marriage is the closest bond we’ll have to anyone in this Earth.

So the person we choose to do that with, better be someone we’re very sure about spending our time and energy with. But not only that.

Who will this person have to be in my life in order for him to be someone with whom I can put 10,000 to flee? In a figurative sense.

Who will this man have to be, that when I’m alone and working on my own, I can only put 1,000 to flee, but as soon as I am with him, the effect is multiplied 10X. Not 2X. Not 3X but 10X or more?

So as I think about what I want from my life, and who I think I want. I’m reminded that yes, I have Jesus and with Jesus I can put more than 10K to flight! But also that in this earth, when the time comes for me to be married, I want a man whom I can in the depths of my heart say “Yes, with this man in my life and Jesus as the center of the relationship, we can surely put more than 10,000 to flight.”

So Jesus, please prepare me and my husband to be, to be so trusting in you, and so deep in you, that when we come together we are unstoppable. That I would not have to drag him behind me, or he drag me behind him to keep up and do all we’re meant to be as a couple. But that together, perfectly matched, he does his 50% in the relationship and I do my 50%, and together we go further than we could have ever gone on our own. Bless him now and grow him in knowledge, relationship with You, grace, favor, maturity, and prepare him for all he needs to be and have in order to be a good match for me. And do the same for me. Grow me in grace, humility, beauty, favor, knowledge, relationship with You and everything else I need to be and have in order to be a good match for him. Grow us more each day and teach us what we don’t know and what we don’t know that we don’t know, so that we’re fully capable and equipped to do Your will and live out the life that you have for us. Help us stick to the growth and the process of being more and more like our true selves fully filled by You. I love you!

Know thyself

As I walked around the thrift store looking at all sorts of trinkets and unique crystal vases, wine glasses, and fun vintage figurines, a thought came to mind.

I need to know myself. My likes. Dislikes. What makes me angry. What I’m passionate about. What my purpose in life is. What I was born to do that is unique to me, to my DNA, to my make up.

I have just lived life and let life happen to me. I’ve gone from school to job, to job, to volunteer, to job to job to job… and Never really paused to think about what makes me come alive.

Sure, I’ve had dreams and goals that I’ve learned to put aside since I needed to focus on tangible needs- like getting a roof over my head and bread on the table.

Yet, I haven’t yet dug deep inside me to try and find the gems and treasures that give me clues into who I am. Into who He created me to be.

And an interesting thought came to mind. If I don’t know who I am, what my strengths and weaknesses are, then I might not recognize the amazing man God wants to match me up with when he comes around.

Do you know what I mean?

I mean, I’m sure the person He has for me to eventually marry and do life with will have a combination of strengths and weaknesses that complement me and I will have traits and will be built in such a way that I complement him.

But if I just go through life not taking the time to know myself, I could easily just keep wandering around smiling at every cute face I see and wonder if he’s ‘the one.’

And what a sad life to live and reach my death bed and not know why I was alive! Jesus didn’t die for that. He died so that I would have life abundantly! And I’m sure that means, life lived in such a full way that I drink deeply of everything He intended for me to have, and I live my life purpose out to the last drop! He is worthy of me doing that.

So I need to have a clear sense (or at least a journey towards, and some clarity) of who I am and what problem I was made to solve. What resources I need to solve such problem. What I’m happy doing and could spend time doing endlessly if left on my own.. then that can give me a glimpse into the qualities I’d value in a man I’d like to spend the rest of my life with.

For example, if I am passionate about serving others, volunteering, and at some point in my life I want to care for the orphans of the world in some way, or go into acting, or be a lawyer and travel the world, and I want to do all things at once, or in different stages of my life… but I meet a cute nice man who might EVEN love Jesus, but he hates traveling, wants to work as a backend engineer in some dark corner of the world and dislikes children… then that might not be such a good match for me… even if he loves Jesus with all his heart. Just a diff calling and a diff life. Some other woman will love him and be happily with him. But he might not be my prince charming.

And I’d know this because I would have clarity about who I am. If I had just continued living life and seeking desperately any remotely nice and christian man without considering my calling or other things, then I would’ve been in trouble…

So here’s my dilemma. And how I’m starting to understand God’s wisdom in keeping me single and unmarried up to this point.

I am just now beginning to grasp, truly grasp the importance of knowing who I am. And who God created me to be.

And the importance of having a man who also loves God with all his heart, mind and soul and knows his purpose on this earth.

You see, I am beginning to understand that marriage is really not about me. And this just dawned on me today. Like fresh, new revelation. Though I thought I ‘knew’ this truth, it hadn’t really sunk in before.

Now that it’s starting to sink in, I understand that God might have bigger plans than just making sure my emotional needs are met and I get hitched.

His word says: “For just as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts  higher than your thoughts. ”  I used to think that He was saying this as a way to bring glory to His name and show how great His ways and thoughts are and how lowly human thoughts are…

But just as I re read now, I was convicted that maybe He said this not as a thing for us to see that His ways are so high and unreachable and unattainable or His thoughts too high and up and mighty that we’ll not understand them and say, ‘so why even bother to understand Him?’ and throw our hands in the air.

…But what if instead He’s stating something that was a fact back then, but secretly longing and inviting us to elevate our ways and our thoughts to be at His level? And what if He was prophesying something that was true back in the day before Jesus came… but knowing that once Jesus came and Holy Spirit was given to us, we would also have the privilege of elevating our thoughts to His level?

What if in these words hidden, He’s saying raise up your sight, your thoughts, so that you think my thoughts… because now we have been given the mind of Christ, and if Christ has high thoughts and high ways, then surely we must also have those!

So in that, I can take my mind and start to comprehend that He is much more wiser than I give Him credit for.

Just as His ways are high, he is looking at the big picture. From a bird’s eye view. Seeing and planning from above what I hadn’t cared to see before, because I was like a chicken pecking on the ground and focusing on what was in front of me, without looking and and elevating my mind and thoughts and seeing things from His perspective. This perspective has always been available to me, but I never bothered to realize it. Until now. Where sometimes I get caught up in the small minded picture of wanting a man by my side and being sad when I don’t see him, He is looking at generations.

He’s looking at my desires. He’s helping me uncover my likes, dislikes, passions, destiny, so that I know who I am. So that I know who I need by my side. I’ll need more than just a well-meaning Christian man. I’ll need a man deeply in love with Jesus, because I am a woman who is also deeply in love with Jesus. So that together we make an amazing team who brings the Kingdom of God into areas we’re both mature and prepared for. So that we bring children into this world who love Him and are unstoppable with parents who love Jesus.

I need a man who will not only be good to me, but will compliment my likes, dislikes, strengths and weaknesses and be the support I need. And I also need to be ready to be the support he’ll need. If I want great, I need to be great.

I need someone who is more than a pretty face, a smart brain, a rich and successful man…. Though I don’t mind any of those things, of course! But I’ll need more than that! In addition to those things ( 😀 hahah don’t you love my sense of humor! ) I need more substance, and God already knows it.

Now it’s my turn to work with Him as he walks with me and helps me discover who He made me to be… As I live life, instead of passively waiting till ‘the one’ comes, I will live my life. I will uncover the treasures inside of me. I will roll up my sleeves, make mistakes that turn into valuable lessons, and I will uncover what He has deposited inside of me. And I know that as I do that, chances are ‘the one’ will already be doing that too, and doing that is the best way to run into each other.

I can’t expect to be sitting at home crying waiting for the man to knock on my door. He’ll most likely be busy out doing the Lord’s work and fulfilling his dreams. So if we merge in dreams, we’re more likely to find each other in that zone, as most likely his passion won’t be going around knocking on random doors trying to find me :P… that’d be kind of creepy…

Jesus, lead me on this journey of self-discovery. You created me. You know what I am made of. You know my current strengths, weaknesses, areas where I need to grow. You know the giftings you’ve given me. You know all the things you’ve already given me and all that is to come. Help me use this time that I’m single to know You more. To know myself more. To discover the secrets and gems you’ve placed inside of me. And help my husband do the same. Help him discover himself in you. Help him know his passions, destiny, grow in his strengths and help fill the void in his weaknesses. Help him grow with You in the areas he needs to be strong to be a good complement to me. And help me grow strong where I need to be a good complement to him. Let our thought life now be raised to be on the same level as yours, so that you can proudly say that my thoughts and his thoughts are as high as your thoughts and our ways as high as your ways. Because you are pleased when we do your will, and we can only do your will if we have access to your thoughts for us. I love you and thank you for your wisdom in not allowing me to marry before I have a clearer sense of who I am and what I need in my life from a husband. Thank you for protecting me, and thank you for protecting my husband to be. Thank you for blessing blessing him wherever he is, whatever he is doing. Thank you for prospering him in all he does, for giving him favor and opening all the right doors for him and shutting all the wrong doors. Help us not fall into the temptation of settling for a good enough person by our side, but to trust that in your right timing you will join our lives to continue this lifetime journey of discovering ourselves in You and falling more in love with you.  Let us both live lives worthy of You. I love you!

Moving toward Jesus in the midst of pain and loss

I had tried a few things to try and cope with the loss of my newly found (and lost) lover…

I tried the martyr ‘brave Christian girl’ approach to prayer, where I tried shoving all my feelings under the rug and just saying “I trust you Jesus, it’s all for the best” and end of story. Keeping all my internal volcano-like turmoil  under my skin. That felt like a safe thing to do.

I also thought I could impress God by showing Him how soon I could bounce back and not have any feelings left for this man at all. I could just be a robot with no feelings moving through life with no attachments, wants, or needs. Just blindly following Jesus’ will and saying “Yes Lord. No Lord.” and moving right along doing His will and growing His kingdom without being in touch with such silly things as feelings.

And I also debated whether I should hide in a corner instead, and turn my back on Him for being so mean to me. I was stupidly considering punishing Him and manipulating Him into ‘making it up to me’ and doing something amazing for me since He’d messed up and caused me to end my relationship with this awesome young man.

Why? Why? Why? Why did I have to let him go? Couldn’t You use me to bring him to You? I could be an amazing person to him and he can see how amazing I am and he’d come to know that you’re the one who makes me great so he’ll come to you, no? Other people have done that, and it’s a soul for your kingdom after all! Why couldn’t You use me to draw him close to you? And what’s more, why did You let me fall in love (? was I in love??) with him only to take him away? Why let me meet him in the first place? Such a cruel thing to let me meet him and then take him away just like that!

What kind of cruel God puts something sweet in front of me and just as I reach for it quickly withdraws it and leaves me to hold nothing more than thin air?

My mind spiraled over these questions. The more I thought about it, the angrier I got.

How could You do this to me? After all, I’d prayed before meeting this man. I prayed that the right man would come along so I wouldn’t waste my time an anyone not for me. Why would You allow me to meet and get to know this man, only to break his heart and mine!?

And just like that, I remembered my spiritual mom telling me that God hadn’t put him there for me. That I had put myself in that situation. Reluctantly I agreed that she was right. I didn’t want to admit it, but she was fully 200% correct.

God hadn’t meant for me to get involved with anyone without His approval. And as I thought about it, I never really prayed about this relationship before it started. I just jumped right in without hearing a yay or a nay from God and hoped all would get sorted along the way.  It wasn’t Jesus’ fault. It wasn’t this man’s fault. It was my fault. And I hated to admit it, especially after the pain I cause him and I.  It was much easier to be angry at God and point the finger at Him for allowing such a thing to happen.

I was angry with myself. And still angry at Him for some unknown reason. I was angry again at my spiritual mom for telling me the truth. I just wanted to blame someone else, anyone else, but myself. After all, I was suffering and needed some pity.

But I had to confront the truth. Since it wasn’t God’s fault, I couldn’t be angry at Him for something I had gotten myself into. That’d be unfair to Him.

After much internal wrestling, I decided to leave my pride behind and run to him. I confessed it was my fault. And opened my heart to Him. I cried and cried as opened my heart and share the things I didn’t want to admit, for fear he’d think me ‘less holy.” I told Him every little detail I missed about this man. I wanted to be loved. That’s all I asked for. I wasn’t trying to be a horrible disobedient daughter. I just wanted love. And mistakenly thought I had found it. And he was a good man too. Nothing wrong with him, he wasn’t a horrible person.

“Jesus I really, really like him. I miss him. I miss the hugs, the kisses, the way he’d look at me with those gorgeous blue eyes. I miss having him in my life. I miss the phone check ins about our day. I miss the FaceTime calls. I miss having him and knowing he cares about me. I miss having him to point to and say ‘there he is, he’s a real flesh-and-bone person I’m in relationship with!’ I miss knowing I can call him and he’ll be there for me. I miss being there for him. I miss his silliness on the phone when he was tired and clearly about to fall asleep but he’d swear he wasn’t sleepy just so we could keep talking.” 

With more tears that I could count, I went on and on about all that I missed… I let the tears freely flow and let my heart speak for itself.

He didn’t judge me. Nor did He yell at me for hurting myself and him. Nor did he punish me by withdrawing Himself and turning away from me, as I had thought about doing. He just listened and embraced me.

He didn’t try to prove His realness by appearing in full life size glory in front of  me and saying, ‘ta-da! Here I am! Now I’m a flesh-and-bone person you can point to!” Yet I knew He listened to every word I said and wiped every tear I cried.

As he embraced me, the words of Peter came to mind: “Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life.” And for the first time, my soul found rest. I knew I had made the right choice by running to Him. No one could ever fill me like He does. No one else could ever love me like does. No other man could ever give me what only He alone is designed to give me. So to Him I ran…

Now all I can do is pray that this awesome man comes to Jesus. He’s such a great person that I’d love to know he came into a relationship with Him. I pray that he finds and falls deeply in love with Jesus.

Find him Jesus, and show yourself to him so he knows how good you want to be to him. And bless the man who is to be my husband wherever (and whoever) he is. You alone know the timing when we’ll meet. Let me recognize him when I see  him and let him recognize me when he sees me. Let him continue to fall more and more in love with you. Draw him closer and closer to you. You be the one he runs to in pain and loss, in joy and all that comes his way. You be the rock he clings to and you be the one who fills all in his life…

Breaking up is hard

“You’re an amazing person, and I know you will be more than ok. ” I told him, with tears in my eyes as I broke the news that we’d have to put an end to our relationship.

I thought I had this under control. I’d already cried the whole weekend and all day the previous day. He didn’t suspect a thing before our call, as I didn’t want him to be worrying during his intense meetings the previous days. I wanted him to do well on his meetings and not think about a break up until we were actually on the call.

I knew this would be hard, but I didn’t realize just how hard it was really going to be once I actually hopped on Facetime with him and started to talk.

I’d been there before. Someone I really cared about, and he actually cared about me too. We liked each other. Enjoyed each other’s company and were well on our way to a long distance relationship. He is cute, smart, driven, someone I was comfortable with and could share almost anything with… He seemed perfect… except he lacked a deep relationship with Jesus.

Sure, he’d been through Catholic school and had basic knowledge of Jesus and of his teachings, but not a deep relationship with him yet. He respected my deep love of Jesus and promised to not try to change me. And I explained to him also that I had no right to want him to change or expect him to (though I secretly hoped that my ‘holiness’ would rub off on him and I’d impact him in such a way that he’d also surrender his life to Jesus and love him like I did, or more…).

I thought I could live with that. After all, he ‘knows of’ Jesus. So that’s good enough, right?

In my mind I had already planned that in time he would grow a hunger for God and come into relationship with Jesus and would love Him as much as I do or more. And we’d grow together and have kids and raise them in the knowledge of God.. Or at the very least we would respect each other’s beliefs, as we’d previously talked. He seemed respectful and kind, so I had no way to doubt him… In my mind I thought we could make it work…  Until that little voice in my heart told me this wasn’t how it was supposed to be.

I tried ignoring the voice, but I knew in my heart of hearts that I couldn’t continue this relationship because Holy Spirit was already telling me this wasn’t what He wanted for me. I was angry. At myself for letting myself get caught up emotionally again, and getting my heart broken. Again. And upset and angry that I was circling this mountain again. How did I get there? How could I have been so silly to think I could convert a man? I was angry at Him for having such high standards of who I should date.

I was angry at Jesus. At myself. At my spiritual mother for telling me truths I didn’t want hear. For reminding me that that’s not what I wanted out of a relationship… and for being right.

I wish I could’ve said I decided to break things off 100% out of a courageous move to love Jesus radically. That was part of it. The other part was that I so cared for him that I didn’t want to hurt him more down the line. I knew if we kept going the way our relationship was going, we’d get more attached and it’d be worse down the line… as I didn’t want him to say he’d follow Jesus just for me, but I wanted him to have his own conviction and run with Jesus on his own…

As I was crying on the phone, my mind wandered and for many minutes I wished so much to be a normal person. No deep love for Jesus and everything heaven stands for. Just a simple me with a good heart, good morals and saved. Someone who’d be happy with the amazing man I was facetiming with at that moment.

Why couldn’t I be a normal person who could be happy raising kids with good morals, with him? Many people I knew of got into good marriages or at least decent enough to make it through ups and downs. And they loved each other. And they had each other. Why couldn’t I do the same?

Why did I have to say no to one of the first men that I’ve actually liked and could see myself with… and he’s liked me in return and seemed wonderful? Why say no when the relationship was going very smoothly? Why break his heart and mine?

…and yet I knew I had to say no. I couldn’t risk my relationship depth with the One who loves me and created me. I couldn’t turn my back on deepening my relationship with Him just because I was feeling warm and fuzzy and had someone else around.

I knew this is not how I wanted my story to go. So I had to say no. With tears in my eyes and more pain in my heart than I’d felt in a while, I had to lay it all down again. Not as an act of bravery, but as an act of obedience. Everyone has their journey and for some people God allowed certain things and for others He allowed other things. This wasn’t the time to follow anyone else’s story, I had to be true to my journey with Him.

C.S Lewis once said: we all want progress, but if you’re on the wrong road, progress means doing an about-turn and walking back to the right road; in that case, the man who turns back soonest is the most progressive.

And at that point in my life I knew that I had to turn into the right way soon, as the further down that road I went, the least progressive I’d be and the harder it would be to come back.

Sure, maybe God would have blessed me with a good enough marriage (assuming it got to that), and maybe we would’ve had a great relationship, as the way it was going was great. But I knew I couldn’t do it this way. I didn’t know how or why, but I knew my spirit would not be at deep deep peace if I kept going this route, knowing there was only a small probability that this man would turn to Jesus and love him more than me.

.. So here I am now. After the recent heartache, I write these words, mainly to let it out, and hoping that if anyone else reads this and relates can know they’re not alone. I’m on a journey of love and hope and grace with Jesus and want to know I’m not alone, and want other single, amazing women to know they’re also not alone.

I don’t know what else I’ll share… but whatever I share will come out of a place of honesty and rawness. I don’t want to pretend I’m holier than anyone else and have it all figured out. All I’ll say is I’m on a journey with Him and know that even when I don’t understand Him, and am hurting and don’t have all the answers, I can cling to Him and know He won’t disappoint me or let me down in any way.

So, as a child, I come to Him once again and say, “Jesus, oh dear Jesus, never let me go. Even in my pain. Even now that I’m feeling like I’ve lost something precious. I feel like I lost a lover, a friend, a confidant, someone I could see myself with, someone I cared about, and felt he cared about me too… now as I feel that is gone, please hold on to me tighter. Please dear Jesus fill those voids inside me. No matter what I’m feeling. No matter what my eyes see or not see. No matter how unfulfilled or fulfilled my life feels, never let me not love you, please….”