“You’re an amazing person, and I know you will be more than ok. ” I told him, with tears in my eyes as I broke the news that we’d have to put an end to our relationship.
I thought I had this under control. I’d already cried the whole weekend and all day the previous day. He didn’t suspect a thing before our call, as I didn’t want him to be worrying during his intense meetings the previous days. I wanted him to do well on his meetings and not think about a break up until we were actually on the call.
I knew this would be hard, but I didn’t realize just how hard it was really going to be once I actually hopped on Facetime with him and started to talk.
I’d been there before. Someone I really cared about, and he actually cared about me too. We liked each other. Enjoyed each other’s company and were well on our way to a long distance relationship. He is cute, smart, driven, someone I was comfortable with and could share almost anything with… He seemed perfect… except he lacked a deep relationship with Jesus.
Sure, he’d been through Catholic school and had basic knowledge of Jesus and of his teachings, but not a deep relationship with him yet. He respected my deep love of Jesus and promised to not try to change me. And I explained to him also that I had no right to want him to change or expect him to (though I secretly hoped that my ‘holiness’ would rub off on him and I’d impact him in such a way that he’d also surrender his life to Jesus and love him like I did, or more…).
I thought I could live with that. After all, he ‘knows of’ Jesus. So that’s good enough, right?
In my mind I had already planned that in time he would grow a hunger for God and come into relationship with Jesus and would love Him as much as I do or more. And we’d grow together and have kids and raise them in the knowledge of God.. Or at the very least we would respect each other’s beliefs, as we’d previously talked. He seemed respectful and kind, so I had no way to doubt him… In my mind I thought we could make it work… Until that little voice in my heart told me this wasn’t how it was supposed to be.
I tried ignoring the voice, but I knew in my heart of hearts that I couldn’t continue this relationship because Holy Spirit was already telling me this wasn’t what He wanted for me. I was angry. At myself for letting myself get caught up emotionally again, and getting my heart broken. Again. And upset and angry that I was circling this mountain again. How did I get there? How could I have been so silly to think I could convert a man? I was angry at Him for having such high standards of who I should date.
I was angry at Jesus. At myself. At my spiritual mother for telling me truths I didn’t want hear. For reminding me that that’s not what I wanted out of a relationship… and for being right.
I wish I could’ve said I decided to break things off 100% out of a courageous move to love Jesus radically. That was part of it. The other part was that I so cared for him that I didn’t want to hurt him more down the line. I knew if we kept going the way our relationship was going, we’d get more attached and it’d be worse down the line… as I didn’t want him to say he’d follow Jesus just for me, but I wanted him to have his own conviction and run with Jesus on his own…
As I was crying on the phone, my mind wandered and for many minutes I wished so much to be a normal person. No deep love for Jesus and everything heaven stands for. Just a simple me with a good heart, good morals and saved. Someone who’d be happy with the amazing man I was facetiming with at that moment.
Why couldn’t I be a normal person who could be happy raising kids with good morals, with him? Many people I knew of got into good marriages or at least decent enough to make it through ups and downs. And they loved each other. And they had each other. Why couldn’t I do the same?
Why did I have to say no to one of the first men that I’ve actually liked and could see myself with… and he’s liked me in return and seemed wonderful? Why say no when the relationship was going very smoothly? Why break his heart and mine?
…and yet I knew I had to say no. I couldn’t risk my relationship depth with the One who loves me and created me. I couldn’t turn my back on deepening my relationship with Him just because I was feeling warm and fuzzy and had someone else around.
I knew this is not how I wanted my story to go. So I had to say no. With tears in my eyes and more pain in my heart than I’d felt in a while, I had to lay it all down again. Not as an act of bravery, but as an act of obedience. Everyone has their journey and for some people God allowed certain things and for others He allowed other things. This wasn’t the time to follow anyone else’s story, I had to be true to my journey with Him.
C.S Lewis once said: we all want progress, but if you’re on the wrong road, progress means doing an about-turn and walking back to the right road; in that case, the man who turns back soonest is the most progressive.
And at that point in my life I knew that I had to turn into the right way soon, as the further down that road I went, the least progressive I’d be and the harder it would be to come back.
Sure, maybe God would have blessed me with a good enough marriage (assuming it got to that), and maybe we would’ve had a great relationship, as the way it was going was great. But I knew I couldn’t do it this way. I didn’t know how or why, but I knew my spirit would not be at deep deep peace if I kept going this route, knowing there was only a small probability that this man would turn to Jesus and love him more than me.
.. So here I am now. After the recent heartache, I write these words, mainly to let it out, and hoping that if anyone else reads this and relates can know they’re not alone. I’m on a journey of love and hope and grace with Jesus and want to know I’m not alone, and want other single, amazing women to know they’re also not alone.
I don’t know what else I’ll share… but whatever I share will come out of a place of honesty and rawness. I don’t want to pretend I’m holier than anyone else and have it all figured out. All I’ll say is I’m on a journey with Him and know that even when I don’t understand Him, and am hurting and don’t have all the answers, I can cling to Him and know He won’t disappoint me or let me down in any way.
So, as a child, I come to Him once again and say, “Jesus, oh dear Jesus, never let me go. Even in my pain. Even now that I’m feeling like I’ve lost something precious. I feel like I lost a lover, a friend, a confidant, someone I could see myself with, someone I cared about, and felt he cared about me too… now as I feel that is gone, please hold on to me tighter. Please dear Jesus fill those voids inside me. No matter what I’m feeling. No matter what my eyes see or not see. No matter how unfulfilled or fulfilled my life feels, never let me not love you, please….”